The Seven Commandments

Dear World (or more precisely the handful of people I can guilt into reading this)-

I love music. I love music in an almost uncomfortable way. If people knew how much I love music; they would back away slowly from me, staring straight ahead, with a forced grin, car keys in hand, as they fumbled for their car door. Polite society would force me to register, knock on neighbors’ doors and pass out flyers about the bands and songs I couldn’t be made to shut up about. Music would block my breathy phone calls and pretend not to notice me when I follow it around the mall.

Yeah, you probably shouldn’t be here.

But you are. So here goes nothin’ (rubs hands together and flips an oversized switch attached to the internet to “blog on”). Activate self-indulgent music blog!!!

My Music Blog’s Seven Commandments:

1. This blog is music-centric. I will not use this blog as a platform to tell cutesy stories about being a dad, catalogue my meals, or wave a flag for a cause. Music is inherently personal (affects us all differently based on life experiences and ability to tolerate synthesizers, etc.), so personal references will necessarily pop up; but I will not get in front of the music. Personal stories will be the platter, not the meal, which I will catalogue accordingly.
2. Music is not sacred. Music cannot change the world; only Margret Mead can. I will not take this too seriously.
3. I will not get too hung up on being a great writer. I am not Ernest Hemingway. I am not even Muriel Hemingway. I am not even Muriel the goat (Animal Farm reference for the win!). It’s going to be modest quantity over quality here: One song per day, except when I don’t feel like it.
4. Little to no fact-checking or research will be done before posting. If you are wondering who the ‘someone’ is in my claim that “someone once said”, so am I. Only I don’t care enough to google it. If you really need me to name a source, I’m going with “Dr. Goober McToots”. Trust him, he’s a doctor.
5. I will try to post a link to the audio of the song I am writing about. If I can’t find a link, you should just go ahead and buy the song on Amazon.com or iTunes. Or you can put on your eye-patch and shoulder-parrot and sail into the lawless seas of offshore servers. It’s on your conscience, Matey.
6. I will highlight lesser-known artists and lesser-known songs. The world needs someone announcing that Bob Dylan is great like the Sahara needs a weatherman (“It’s going to be another hot and dry one! Back to you, Omar.”) Yes, Dylan is God. Yes, his music can heal lepers (wonderful side note: spell-check thought I meant to say “lemurs”!), give the blind sight, and make Katie Holmes’s acting endurable (see “Wonder Boys”); but you certainly knew all that. This blog is not a remedial class; no need to break out addition tables and alphabet posters. I aim to educate the kids who actually brought their homework to class. Also, I want to pin a street cred merit badge on my painstakingly unkempt ‘Hipster Scouts’ uniform.
7. I will not ask friends and family whether or not they have read my blog recently. Instead, I will passive-aggressively refer in passing to things I have written and see if they know what I am referencing. I will shower them with affection or scorn correspondingly.

Ok, the rules are in place. First real post will be tomorrow. Or the next day (see Commandment #3). Feel free to breathe between now and then.